What counts as “dirty talk” can vary widely from naughty whispers to sexy demands and more, but did you know that it can help you increase sexual pleasure and that it doesn’t have to be as awkward as it seems on TV?

There’s a whole world of dirty talk beyond the “Do me dirty” or “Say my name” type phrases (though no shame if that’s your jam). It can also serve multiple purposes, including creating a space for offering and receiving directions for improving stimulation, increasing arousal or comfort for you or a partner, and giving an opportunity to safely play out fantasies. If you’re interested in learning how to add some dirty talk to your sexual repertoire, keep reading.

Dirty Talk as Direct or Indirect Directions

Most people are not mind-readers and, yet, when it comes to sex, we expect people to know exactly what we want and need. This can breed resentment if we don’t get the sexual satisfaction we are hoping for, and it may lead to mediocre sex because we are too timid to ask for what we want. Luckily, dirty talk is an amazing tool for offering direction to partners during sex in supportive and sexy ways. Here are some phrases you can try to turn up the heat.

To slow down sex and revel in intimate sensations, try:

  • I want to feel your lips and tongue EVERYWHERE – devour me
  • Mmmmm, ooh, slow down. I want to feel everything. Yesss, ugh that feels so good.
  • Make me beg for it/I wanna hear you beg for it.

To encourage sexual acts that excite you:

  • Get on top and look at me, baby. I need/want to see you, [insert favorite pet name]
  • I need to see that sexy ass. Flip over and let me see.
  • I miss the feeling of your tongue on my [insert body part]
  • I’ve been thinking about you doing [insert act] to me all day

When someone is close but just off the mark and a little shift in technique would make all the difference between not bad and hot damn, try:

Breathy directions:

  • Harder
  • Faster
  • Slower
  • Keep going – don’t stop

Redirections and adjustments:

  • I love when you make those little circles around my nipple
  • mhmmm a little to the left and I’ll go wild
  • I think I’m ready for another finger

Consent & Communication are Key for Successful Dirty Talk

Feeling comfortable making sexual demands is dependent on having strong and trusting communication. Everyone involved needs to know that they can say no at any time, redirect, or switch things up. That is, the demands themselves are dependent upon consensual agreement that can be ever-evolving.

Because not every situation can be predicted, it can be helpful to have a way of communicating that something isn’t working, but you want to keep going. For example, perhaps you want to continue the sexual interaction but are unwilling to do what was just asked. Instead of stopping completely and explaining what you don’t want to do, you can pick a phrase like “let’s try [insert activity]” as a safe way for a no-questions-asked redirection. Then, afterwards, you can always talk about what happened, but it doesn’t need to occur in the moment.

If, however, something occurs that is upsetting or leads to someone wanting to stop, or at least take a break, you can do that in whatever way feels best. Sometimes, having a code word (or gesture) for this can feel supportive. This is the basis of safe words in BDSM and serves as a way of knowing that care is being explicitly requested.

What about the other uses of dirty talk?

If you want to learn about more ways to use dirty talk, like safely playing out fantasies and increasing comfort and confidence between partners, let us know and we’ll release more! You can also reach out to Yael at [email protected]

Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez

Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez

Sex Educator, Researcher, Author, Speaker
Yael R Rosenstock Gonzalez is a sex educator, researcher, author, speaker, and curriculum developer. As a queer, polyamorous, white-presenting Nuyorican Jew, Yael has always been interested in understanding the multi-level experiences of individuals. This led her to found Kaleidoscope Vibrations, LLC, a company dedicated to supporting and creating spaces for individuals to explore and find community in their personal identities. Through her company, she facilitates workshops, develops curriculum, offers Identity Exploration Coaching, and publishes narratives often left out of mainstream publishing.

Yael has been engaged in workshop development and facilitation since she joined the New York Civil Liberties Union (NYCLU) as a teen peer reproductive rights educator at 15 years old. Since then, she has served as an educator with children ranging from 10 months old to adults in their 70s with different organizations and communities. In her work as first Program Coordinator, then Director of Programming, and finally Associate Director of the Center for Ethnic, Racial, and Religious Understanding, Yael developed and led events, workshops, and programs with an intersectionality lens.